Beyond's First Confession
by AiKo-Chan15
Summary: You really have to read it to believe it. Haven't you ever wondered what the Catholic Church was missing? If you guessed a deranged psychopath...Then You Are Correct!


HI! I'm back and ready to knock your socks off

I used a quote or two in here from Code Ment its an abridged series of Code Geass (that i don't own) that I LOVE! I also don't own Death Note

I hope you like this! Reviews and ideas are more than welcome!

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><p>Confession-(I think you see where this is going)<p>

When Beyond Birthday committed his third murder, he attempted an experiment.

No, no, no, it's not what you think.

This occurred _after_ Beyond committed the murder. He was walking down the street when he noticed something.

It wasn't the odd stares he was attracting as he passed, it wasn't the screams of children claiming he was the boogeyman; it wasn't even the cry of the puppy he just kicked.

No, Beyond Birthday had stopped to examine a building that he had just come up to. It wasn't particularly appealing to him, but he couldn't help but notice the place. It had stain-glass windows, big wooden doors, and a large cross right at the top. Beyond narrowed his eyes and decided to investigate. A sign on the door,

Confession begins at 12:00 p.m.

_Seems like a place where there are shenanigans to be had._

He walked in to the building where an old lady was smiling.

_Creepy… and that's coming from ME_

He decided to hide in what looked to be a closet.

Well, he thought it was a closet until he heard a voice-and not the good kind either.

It seemed to be coming from a window beside him (Either that or his insanity finally caught up with him)

He opened the small door and looked through it, it looked to be a man in a white robe.

"Welcome child, what have you come to confess?"

"Beg pardon?"

"This is your first time here? That's alright; tell me your sins so that you may be forgiven"

…_What the crap?_

"So… you're gonna forgive all of the things _I've_ done"

"Yes, child"

(B puts a sign on his forehead "Out of my mind, back in five minutes")

(Jeopardy theme music)

Ding ding ding!

Beyond smiled. _Hmmm_. "So even if I'm the worst human being alive…"

"The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up."

"Good to know… so what would you say if I said I've killed people"

"…"

"You still there chief?"

"W-well, was it accidental?"

"Nope"

"I-I see… well… are you sorry for what you've done?"

"Of course I am"

"Good, now what I want you to do is-"

"Yeah, it's terrible, I mean I set everything up right, tied the guy up, but it still didn't work the right way. It was very frustrating"

"…" Beyond smirked when he heard the guy hyperventilating in the next room.

"You… _meant_ to kill them?"

"Yeah, what other way is there?"

"What else have you done?"

"Well… hmmm, nothing comes to mind, except vandalism, assault, abusing…"

"T-that's enough"

"But I'm not finished yet" he whined

He heard a thump in the next room, B looked and the guy had fainted.

Then, Beyond had an idea. He opened up the other door, pushed the old man aside and sat down. (Oh god this should be good)

Just as he shut the door a particularly stupid looking S.O.L. gentleman came walking in to the confessional (is that what it's called?)

He began his confession to the priest…urm…Beyond. (Even though this is a fanfic it still makes me worried)

"Hey father…I need someone to talk to and I don't know what to do"

_Wow this is too easy_. "What is it" He said it so rudely that it startled the man, but he didn't take it as a sign and continued.

"My wife left me, my children hate me, and I lost $20 000 dollars in an investment. What do I do to make everything better?" The man sobbed in his "closet"

"Dude, that's a pretty#$%'d up day, geez nothings gonna get better after that, ya know what? Just go kill yourself"

"W-what?"

"Yeah, and it sounds to me like no one's gonna miss you either, jump off a building, I hear the splat is the best part"

"B-but I thought suicide was never the answer?"

"Who said that? By the looks of it you're not gonna live much longer anyway, I would know, God told me he hates you. He's probly gonna send you to hell to cuz he doesn't want you up there bringing

everyone down"

The man ran out sobbing.

"Wait! I wanna get the jump on camera!" but he was already gone.

"Aw man! That sucks"

Then, a little girl walked in with tears in her eyes "Father! My little kitty died today." She slid a picture through the window for Beyond to see. "Will he go to heaven?"

"Heaven? What? Kid lemme tell you something, there's no such thing, and even if there was why would they waste room up there for a cat?"

"S-so then where will she go?"

"Dunno kid, it's one ugly looking cat, I'm thinking the trashcan of the afterlife"

"W-what's that?"

Beyond's lips curved into an evil smirk. "Hell is where you go if your bad… the place that little girls go when they don't take care of their kitties and then they die. It's full of fire and scary monsters who will find you and eat you!"

The little girl ran out screaming (can't imagine why)

This went on for another couple of hours, hearing the eternal wisdom that is Beyond Birthday, each person leaving more scarred for life than the last

…

"And that's why I'm not legally allowed to use scissors anymore"

Another person…..

"And that was the third time I tried Meth"

Next…

"And after you remove the knive it's over… And THAT'S where babies come from"

And…..

"….Two girls and one cup"

…..

"…Then Kallen came up with the best idea ever… Guns that shoot guns… That shoot CHAINSAWS!"

…

"That's how you plan a double murder AND a robbery on the same day!"

….

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That was you? Dude **I** was the guy in the ski mask!"

All in all, Beyond felt that his day had been very productive after all, he was glad to do some good for the community… it was fun! (wow that last part almost made him sound sweet)

"Oh, well, guess it's time to go" The priest was starting to wake up and that was his cue to leave before he got caught.

He opened the door and dashed off onto the street

Now that creepy smile lady was freaking out.

"Father Jacob, what happened?" Beyond had walked out of the church realizing that he had learned something new today, so after taking a picture with his phone making gestures (which were censored out of the story) with the building and sent them to the world's greatest detective, then walked off to prepare with his face-off with L.

"Maybe one day I'll do this again, can't wait to see what'll happen" he had a smile on his face as he hopped on the bus (I feel sorry for who sits next to him) and left the small town. With nothing but memories and the sound of sirens behind him.

Later that day, he stole a bumper sticker and put it on his shirt.

**Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.**

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><p>...I got nothing.<p>

Happy New Year!

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Thats what I do when have eraser fights with my friends, the only problem is there's more of them and if one hits the teacher it's out of bounds.

I haven't done anything in awhile i know, but updates and stories are gonna come alot quicker now that I'm done with my stupid math class. Tell me what you think! I had this done for awhile I just didn't have access to a computer that I could publish this on.


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